Under The Influence...(senryu)

Too much alcohol
lead me to sing "Uptown Girl" --
Billy would be pleased...

Platonic...

There are worse things in
the world than to be called,
"Just Friends"

But being "platonic" is
like a runner-up prize -
a toaster you don't want

When a kiss to the cheek
is merely a fancy,
accustomed salutation

Caressing their arm
gives you tingles, but
to them, static shock

While secretly pining
for more, we dig deeper
into our grave "made for one" --

Not realizing that a little
bit of something, is better
than nothing at all...

o.g. 2/21/07

I'm Pretty Sure...

I'm pretty sure
I'll never understand
a woman's desire
for Jimmy Choos

I'm pretty sure
I'll never understand
why women travel in
packs to the restroom

I'm pretty sure
I'll win an argument
with a woman only
when she wants me to

But most all --

I'm pretty sure,
that you'll still love
me with all the things
I put YOU through...

o.g. 2/14/07

Ode to Frost-ed Paths...

Through a street of
cobblestones unset with
cement still drying,
I walk with you
by my side, strolling along
this road not taken,
but somehow, strangely familiar --
fear walks with us, though I
am glad that it only follows
way in the back,
several steps behind...

o.g. 2/18/07

2007 Emmys: My Strange Highlights Of Last Night...

As some of you may or may not know, I sometimes attend the Emmy Awards.

Highlights in my mental scrapbook:

1. I accidentally walked right into Robert Duvall -- twice. "Excuse me," he'd say, as I apologized profusely. That man is a true gentleman -- to put up with my curse of clumsiness.

2. While finding an empty spot during a commercial break, Ron Jeremy sat behind me. I thought about introducing myself, but then I'd have to shake his hand, and sadly, I KNOW where it's been.

3. Watching Tony Bennett perform live -- on the award show and then at the Governor's Ball. That was a real treat.

4. Running into Jerry Ferrara (Turtle, from Entourage) at the Men's restroom. Hey, even stars have to tinkle sometime. But you don't always believe it until you see it for yourself.

5. And finally, trailing behind Chandra Wilson (Grey's Anatomy) while exiting out of the Shrine Auditorium. While she took some photos with a few crazy-obsessed fans, I was behind her in the photos -- it looked like I was part of her entourage. It made me feel "special".

Well, I think that's enough name-dropping. Thanks for allowing me to indulge my inner "Hollywood douchebag".

Back to regularly scheduled programming in a bit... ;)

o.g. 9/16/07

Open-Mike Night On Checkout #6...

I was at the Supermarket the other evening (God, why do all the funniest things happen when I go shopping, but I digress) and this Scruffy old man was right in front of us.

Needless to say, he took forever to pay the cashier, but he did something that was totally worth the wait.

"Gather 'round!," he shouted. "I'm gonna tell you all a joke, and I'm sorry if you've heard this one, but I guarantee that this is funny!"

The people around the checkout lines, the store manager and the bag boy and girl all stared at him, myself included. He raises his arms as if Moses on the mountaintop, and goes:

"What did Paris Hilton's Right Knee say to the Left Knee?"

We're all silent, waiting with anticipation.

"Nothing -- they've never met!"

A collective groan and muffled laughter erupts all over the checkout lines. Mothers with young children where aghast. I wouldn't blame them.

It was pretty damn dirty, and pretty damn funny, and God, it hits you right in the forehead.

Of course, proper decorum must be restored, so the manager came by and told the old man to keep it down, and the old man obliged.

But he knew he killed, and that's all that mattered.

After taking another hella-forever to pay for his items, he smiled at the checkout girl and said, "I'll be back later."

And may fortune bless me with another run-in with this "Supermarket Comic"... ;)

o.g. 091107

9/11: The Moment I Knew This Was For Real... (haiku)

Airplanes were grounded,
not a turbine to be heard.
Silence, said it all.


***Now that I'm back living near LAX, it is such reassurances of this kind of noise pollution that I gladly look forward to, than having the alternative. This is where my thoughts are, on this day***

Evaporating Slowly... (senryu)

Damp, office carpet,
like an indoor Everglades --
it still smells like poo...


***Dear friends, I hope to get back to my usual writing self when this latest conundrum subsides... ;)***

Some Days I'd Rather Have The Office Be Boring...

Some mornings, you just don't really see the day coming at you.

Right before breakfast I got the call.

Our office was flooded last night.

I arrived at the scene to discover half the warehouse was covered in an inch of water, and seeped all the way into the operations center. I immediately ordered stuff to be taken off the ground and water to be mopped up as best as possible.

Then someone came up with the idea of using one of those Wet/Dry Vacs from Home Depot, and man, let me tell you -- if you've got minor flooding happening to you, this thing really does do a great job of sucking water up (Home Depot, I'll be glad to do a testimonial).

While someone cleaned the aisles, I focused on getting all the electrical stuff up off the ground, and in hindsight, perhaps I should have been more careful - I mean, I was surrounded by water, live electrical outlets, and not to mention wet carpeting. But I figured that if the waterline wasn't too far above the outlets, risk of death by electrocution would be minimal.

So I went for it, and only shit my pants afterword. (NOTE: If you find yourself in the same situation, for the love of God, turn off the power. Don't be a lucky idiot like me).

After that, the day was a whole lot of chaos, catching up, and dampness EVERYWHERE. Some of the computers were still in really wet areas, so we kept those offline. It made for really cramped quarters, as four of us were each sharing two computers that there unaffected by the flood. I don't care where you work at -- if you try and work at someone else's desk, it's one of the most disorienting things in the world. 5 Minutes in, and I was begging for my usual "Mise-en-Desk".

Several hours later, the flood has stopped, I'm here banging this away on a colleague's computer, and glad to see water evaporating off the warehouse floor. I guess the hot weather has served a purpose after all.

I come to the stark conclusion that sometimes in life, you just have to be shit on. It was just our turn.

But I'm just glad that not every day is like today... ;)