Ghiaccio Italiano...

I fell in love with
Italian Ice when I was
10 years old - lemon,
I think it was

I was at a carnival -
the day was hot, but the
ice cooled my tongue, keeping
my smile on all day --

Years later, I tried making
it at home, and though it
was tasty, it just wasn't
the same, not even a little...

Churro... (aintu)

When I
was a kid, a
Churro meant joy, sweetness,
and love all rolled up in a neat
treat - funny how some things
remain the same,
to me...

Ice Tray...

You found it sooo funny
to swap the water out
of my ice trays with
vodka, and my vodka
bottle with water --

To which I'd curiously
find myself intoxicated
by ice cold lemonade,
while curiously quenched
on straight shots --

Yeah, real funny,
But then again, I'm not
all that mad...

Gracias...

"Hola, Senor,"
said the busboy, as
he placed a glass of
water in front of me

"Thank you," I muttered,
"De nada" he replied --
as he left, I wondered
why I did not truly...

...habla.

Conversations in Air Freight: How Can We Help You?...

The following is another true-to-life conversation I had with an automated voice system for a courier company I was trying to send a package with, and later, how I got to speak with a real life person:

RING!!!

Welcome to Ship-Stuff Express... How can we help you?... For rates, say "rates".

Rates.

Okay, one moment please... Please say the number in pounds of the weight of your package?

30.

...What is the 5-digit zip code that you are sending the package from?

90045.

What is the 5-digit zip code of the destination you are sending the package to? If not in the U.S., say "International Shipment".

International shipment.

Thank you. Please say the name of the country you are sending the package to.

Trinidad.

I heard you say "Canada". Is this correct? If not, say "Go Back".

Go back.

Please say the name of the country you are sending the package to.

Trinidad.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Could you please repeat the name of the country in which you'd like to send your package?

Trinidad!

I heard you say "Thailand". Is this correct? If not, say "Go Back".

Go back!

Please say the name of the country you are sending the package to.

Trinidad!!!

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that... If you'd like to speak with a Representative, please press "zero".

BEEP! (Me pressing zero)

Minutes later, a Representative comes on the line:

Hello, this is Ship-Stuff Express, how may I help you?

Yes, I'd like the rate for a package I'm sending here in North America to Trinidad.

Okay, I can help you with that sir. What is weight of your package?

30 lbs.

And the zip code of where this package is starting from?

90045.

And what city in "Israel" is this package going to?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

CLICK!

Under, Garments...

Sexy is not
the black Frederick's
thong that hugs across
your bottom with a tight
pull

Sexy is not
the red Victoria's Secret
teddy you wore with
one strap off your
shoulder

Sexy is not
the Agent Provocateur
bra you insist on
teasing me with before
bedtime

Sexy is...
your Scooby-Doo
underoos that say,
"I am woman, but always
playful" --

And that's how I know
this, is for real...

Something an Idiot Might Say: At A Fancy Restaurant...

I ordered the lobster a la carte 'cause I heard that means they take the meat out of the shell for you...

Acetic...

It's hard to tell
what I found
more unpleasant --

The taste of a
sour green apple as
I bite into it,

Or you telling me
"We're through," while
I chew sour apple chunks...

After Dinner Hindsight...(senryu)

No room for dessert,
yeah, poor planning on my part --
next time, Pecan Pie...

What Constitutes Something You Didn't Know You Needed...

On Saturday, I was out shopping at one of those gigantic electronics stores when I walked past the dreaded "impulse buy" items, brilliantly displayed in all their "You Sooooo Need To Buy Me" glory.

M&Ms, Snickers, USB Flashdrives, CD Players, Blanks CDs and DVDs were splayed out all the way to the checkout line -- as if you could in fact buy EVERYTHING you needed without actually having to walk INSIDE the rest of the store.

Of course, not only do they attack you in the line, but they've even got one item that sits on the checkout counter. It's like, "In case you didn't know you needed all the other plethora of items, this one you CAN'T leave the store without!"

Mine happened to be the one displaying Nose Hair Trimmers.

Nope, not a typo -- NOSE HAIR TRIMMERS! Those little electric trimmers that cut down the rain forest of follicles residing primarily in male nostrils. Someone at the Corporate Office must be thinking, "Gentleman, men are DEMANDING nose hair trimmers at an alarming rate, and we gotta help them out now! - whether they know they need them or not."

Now, I've never had a strong urge to buy a nose hair trimmer, nor have I had any buddies that have said, "Gee, I really wish there were electric nose hair trimmers at checkout so I could buy it with my Mountain Dew and GRAB BAG of Doritos." In fact, I don't think I have any male friends that have ever admitted to owning one - and if they did, they aren't telling the whole world their business.

This would explain why the trimmers were still fully stocked on each counter that had them. They also placed them with all the really cute female cashiers, so that had probably made the male customers a bit self-conscious in wanting to purchase one - gee, I wonder why? Not to say it wouldn't feel weird if buying them from a male cashier, but hey - we are strangely macho like that...

I do applaud the forward thinking that's gone along with this bold choice in impulse buy. No longer will the nose hair trimmer be subjugated in the back along with Schick razors and Nair hair remover - no, it will not be ignored any longer. Who knows? The follicle-free male nose could be the modern day counterpart to the female's "Brazilian". And if that day has come, I know at least one store that's ready for the trend... ;)

Imminent Breach...

The first fence you put up,
I jumped across easily, but
found myself denied

The second was made of
concrete and razor wire,
I got through, but denied

The third had searchlights
and Rottweilers biting at my
shoes - I made it, but denied

The fourth was tall enough
to block out the sun, so I dug
underneath, surfaced - but denied

If you don't get it by now,
your walls can keep me out -
but my spirit...

...Won't be denied.

Ginger, or Mary Ann...

Some want the woman
with the heat-vision
gaze, the hypnotizing
thighs, and sultry voice that
causes you to wrap around
her finger, obeying her
every whim

But some want the woman
with the kind eyes and
gentle smile, who listens
to your worry-woes,
laughs at your quirky
jokes while radiating
Southern hospitality --

Who to choose is quite
a deft conundrum -
but for some,
the choice is
completely
obvious...

Comfort Zone...

Straying all but briefly
away from my space,
I squirm at the chit-chat
made by wannabe-fashionistas
spouting "green is the new black!,"
while others gather around
professing the brilliance of
Reality TV and how it's
more real than "REAL" --

Give me a pub with
sloppy barstools, a couple
of old tales flung around
in beer-buzzed tones,
and my best mates to share
this all with - all while eating
hot wings drenched in
super-thick Ranch dip --
Any day...

Diversions in Relativity...

"Just 5 more minutes, Dear!"
Albert would yell, while he
scribbled into his notebook

"Your dinner is getting cold!"
Mileva always replied, in a tone
of love mixed with exasperation --

Makes one wonder if any of
our hobbies could, in fact,
change the world someday...

Conversations in Air Freight: Why Do You Need to Know That?

The following is a real customer call I took. Only some of the names and parties have been changed to protect their stupidity.

RING!!!

Hello?

Yes, I'm with Company X.

Okay. What can I do for you?

(pause)
Yeah, I guess I'd like to... schedule a pickup?

Not a problem. I can send a driver out to you. What are we picking up?

Um... some boxes?

All right. Where are they going?

(pause)
Excuse me?

Where would you like us to send the materials?

Ummm...

Do you know what country they're going?

(pause, faint sound of head scratching)
Why do you need to know that?

So... I know WHERE I'm supposed to send the boxes.

Can't you just pick them up first?

Yes, I could do that. But if I know where the boxes are going, then I can figure out if there's a flight for them today - if not, I don't have to rush my guy out to you and we can just pick them up tomorrow.

But... I'm just calling you guys to pick the boxes up.

I understand that. But my driver is spread out a bit thin today, and if he doesn't have to make an extra stop, that's all the better.

So, you aren't gonna pick my boxes up?

Again, I'm not saying that. It'd just be helpful to know the destination so we can determine the logistics and start on the paperwork. It's gonna take time to process, and the more information we have, the better we can help you out.

Man, why are you being so difficult!

Sir, honestly, I'm not trying to give you a hard time --

It sure feels like it! I was just told to give you guys a call to pick up some boxes!

Okay. Is there anyone there that knows where the boxes are supposed to be sent?

Ummm...

Anyone at all?

Uh...

If you don't know, just tell me.

Ummm...

Hello? Are you still there?

I'm gonna... have to call you back.

CLICK.

Argh.

Immaculate Reception...

Never in my wildest dreams
did I ever expect to find
myself standing in my
birthday suit - with you
in much the same attire -
awkwardly greeting your
father with little more than
one hand covering my shame
while extending the other
to shake his hand --
He grinned, which I took
for a sign that he knew
we weren't, in fact,
studying chemistry
so much as we were
performing it --
his grip spoke volumes
on trust: lucky for him,
it was not misplaced...