Fukuoka: Day 1, A Few Chosen Highlights...

Looks like as fast as I've arrived, I'm just about to take off in 8 hours. But here's a few things I saw:

It's a small airport, but the signs make the place grand.

A nice spot to chill, as if the park is "waving" at you.

Even the graffiti is pretty "clean".

Like a sort of street calligraphy that puts L.A. street taggers
to shame.

If you magnify the larger version of this photo, the blue
sign is of a man with a hat. What's with the hat, I ask?

Instead of pumps on the ground, gas is feed from the
ceiling. Makes stealing gas a bit of hassle. And speaking
of stealing...

... These bikes are all parked here, and they have locks
on them, but they aren't tethered to the metal rail. This
happens a lot, and it says even more about the culture.

A decent haircut in the time it takes to drink a latte?
Count me in!

Traffic that flows in perfect harmony.

Looks just like America, with a few twists:

Japanese "Slim Jims".

Exported U.S. pseudo-holidays.

An actual, fully-functioning pay phone that isn't
riddled with disease. Try and find oneof these in
a major U.S. city!

And of course, one of a few million instant vending machines,
for those that find 24 hour convenient stores not convenient
enough.

Strangest food consumed thus far? To the left,
chicken intestines with chives, and to the right, compacted
fish roe cut up in slices. And this is only the beginning
of the culinary adventure...

As usual, stayed tuned for more, as I'm not exactly sure
where I'll be ending up, or when I'll have the internet
again... ;)

Fukuoka: Day 1, and Man, What Long Journey...

18 hours, one connecting flight and countlesss re-heated meals later, I find myself in the strange, but very quaint, city of Fukuoka, Japan.

Having just arrived, it strikes me as the kind of place where even the Japanese would consider "spacious." It's dense, but it has the feel of Georgetown in D.C., with things looking oddly familiar, but different at the same time.

It's so clean that I can eat off the window pane outside my hotel room.

If there's one word I can use to sum up this place, it'd be immaculate.

I'll post some pics soon, taking advantage of the free internet at the place I'm at now, just so you know what I'm talking about.

Stay tuned... ;)

Random Haiku #81...

Pigeons and Seagull,
feasting on dropped corn kernels --
avian picnic...

Yes, I've been Criss Angel'ing my way around this week... ;)

Hey Hey Hey!

It's your favorite word slinging, douchebag-dousing, friendly neighborhood Albert, Simply Put speaking, and boy, do I have a lot to report.

Okay, not really, but I will say that I just came back from a week long video project in Sin City (Las Vegas), and no, it was all business, so if you're looking for stories about hookers and blow, you may want to read my older entries.

Suffice it to say, it looks like I've got a million-bajillion blogs and e-mails to get to (I only had dial-up in the area I was at), so i guess I better get crack'n.

Oh yeah, has anyone seen Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist yet? If you have, I'd love a review, 'cause I think it's worth checking out.

Supa Winks!... ;)

The 60th PrimeTime Emmy Awards: The Douchebag Chronicles Strike Again!...

Ah, Awards Season.

I can truly admit that going to the Emmy's is my grandest indulgence as a Hollywood douchebag. Granted, it's been about two years since the last time I went in person, but man, some things never change. Like Mario Lopez. The guy still looks like he spends his free time in cryogenic freeze when he's not out and about. No human looks THAT well preserved. Okay, maybe George Hamilton.

The last time I wrote this sort of entry, someone cried "bullshit". I don't usually take it personally, but I figure that I'm just gonna set the record straight. I have no reason to lie about this, 'cause this is just all a part of who I am. Don't worry, I'll pick up the names I drop.


First things first - here's the proof:

Tickets for the awards ceremony and the Governor's Ball
right afterward.

Oh yeah, please excuse the pics -- I had to take them on a cameraphone because it's hard to sneak in cameras unless you're with the press.

Taken on the 2nd tier of the Nokia Center, located in Downtown
LA, the new venue for the Emmys; behind the red carpet exit.


Souvenir programs. I kept getting asked where you find these.
"It's right by the GIANT PILE behind you."


The stage, T-minus 1 hour to show. The seats only got
filled in completely10 minutes prior to the beginning.
Cutting it close is ALWAYS in their vocabulary.

During the pre-show, they'd show us the Pre-Show from
E! Entertainment on the giant screens. It was soooo existential.
It's like being at a party where someone reminds you constantly
of how cool the party is.

A crappy pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Hayden
Panettiere presenting an award together.

Steve Martin doing an intro for Laugh-In. Funny as all heck
as usual.

Christina Applegate and Christian Slater.




Ah, Sally Field -- the woman I subconsciously dream about.
For those that are in the know, you know what I'm talking
about. Boniva, anyone?


Don Rickles accepting an award. Even funnier than
Steve Martin, this guy has still got it.


Matthew Weiner and the cast of Mad Men, accepting the
award for Best Drama. This show is definitely a force
to be reckoned with.


The blurry after-image of everyone bum-rushing out of
the theater ALL AT THE SAME FREAK'N TIME. This
is where the cattle metaphors all come into play.
Organized chaos, most outrageously.


Inside the Governor's Ball, the only crappy picture I took
of it. In the middle of the room, a spinning Emmy rotates
slowly, making everyone feel like a winner, I suppose.


The menu included Avocado seafood salad, a surf/turf
main course of beef and shrimp, and a chocolate desert
to die for.





And yes, here's me in the audience, behind the orchestera,
stage right.


And one more shot for posterity.

All and all, not too shabby a night.

Last personal thoughts on the evening:

**Christina Hendricks from Mad Men, in real life, really does look curvy and sexy as f--k.

**BJ Novak from The Office looked a little upset that they lost for Best Comedy. Hey man, there's always next year.

**I'm sure Glenn Close is a nice person, but even she can't be bothered by taking pictures with her fans. I'm just saying, a little fan-love goes a long way...

**Michael C. Hall from Dexter is pretty darn tall in person.

**Larry David goes to the bathroom. A lot.

And that's all I'm gonna drop for the evening. If anyone has any more doubts, I'll do a YouTube confessional... ;)

Yes, Women Say No To Me All The Time...

What is it about you?

What do you mean?

You know exactly what I mean!

I'm not following.

You go out with the hottest girls in town - in any town - for that matter! Do girls ever say "No" to you?

Of course they do. Who do you think I am, God?

Name one time that that's happened.

Well, just the other night, a girl couldn't stop telling me "No."

All right, now we're getting somewhere.

Yeah, she was like "No... don't stop, keep GOING! No... Harder! HARDER! No... DEEPER!" --

You're such a dick.

0.g. 7/13/08

Yes, I've Been Here But Absent, And Also...

Dear fellow bloggers and readers,

It has been waaaaaaaaaaay too long since the last time I've written anything, and I can feel some of you growing weary of me taking from the till, leaving nothing but crumbs and lint in my wake.

What can I say?

Well, I just bought a new computer and camera, so there could be more video diaries and singing coming your way.

I'll be heading to Michigan this weekend to celebrate a birthday milestone. I don't know if I'll share video of that, but I'll also be making some sidetrips, so I'll probably shoot on the road and bring back something to the dinner table.

And of course, I'm not pregnant, but thanks for asking... ;)

What's That In The Kids' Meal?...

Some people smoke. Some like to drink themselves blind.

I, enjoy fast food.

Yeah, it's crack for fat people.

While waiting for my heavily sodiumized To-Go order to be brought out, I noticed the toy display for the kids' meals had something that really caught my eye. Now, I'm no expert, so I'll just let you take a look for yourselves:


So, here's my question: Is that, or is that not, a toy bear with a "butt-plug"?

It's a stretch, I know, but that's just how my thoughts roll.

B.K., I'll be watching you... ;)

Sound Assumptions...

The ability to smell whether or not a hard-drive has fried. To hear the death clink of a skipping CD. To connect ethernet cables into the back ports of computers simply by feel.

These are just some of the skills you need in order to be a "handy PC/Mac fix-it guy". But you know what those IT fellas never stress? Listening with your gut.

FLASHBACK: 5 months ago

My mother bought some new Dells for her company, and naturally, she wanted me to help her set them up so they'd be ready to go upon the first few clicks on a keyboard. An easy can-do job, and most everything seemed to work fine.

Except for one computer.

At the time, I didn't think much of it, but in the crystal-clear view of hindsight, perhaps I should have done a bit more Sherlock Holmes instead of John Holmes when it came to the task at hand. You see, it was making this "whirring" sound, not unlike a computer that's overclocked and running 3 fans at the same time. The noise wasn't that bad, and the person using the machine seemed to be fine with it. I too, had been used to loud computer fans on my older Macs, so I assumed it was an acceptable machine fluke.

Flashforward: Present Day

Checking up on the Dell systems, I listened to that one troubling computer again, only this time it sounded like a nuclear-powered weed whacker going 400 miles an hour. This was getting a bit ridiculous. I turned off the computer and popped open the hood.

Sweet Christ.

Apparently, someone though it'd be a smart idea to tape the installation CDs for the Dell inside a clear-pouch window. Unfortunately, the glue for the pouch was weak, so all this time the pouch slipped off, slowly getting shredded by the CPU fan causing that awful ruckus.

Needless to say, I removed the culprit most swift-ricky-tick. A couple spritzes of compressed air to clear away the shredded plastic and voila! The computer was as quiet as a zen garden.

If you get anything out of this story, I hope it's this: No sound rings louder than the one made by a single hand THWACKING a forehead over carelessness... ;)

My Father Knows His Geography..

I worked up quite a sweat this morning while moving boxes around, and my father astutely announced: "You sweat Brazil, huh?"

Flashes of Carnival in Rio, women in dental floss bikinis and tropical sand being kicking in the mid-day sun sprayed into my mind. But why would that make any sense at this moment?

With my puzzled look, my father goes ,"I meant your shirt. Your sweat looks like the shape of Brazil."

How my father would see my perspiration of a country in South America is my dad at his best. Though, if I had sweat a picture of Jesus, that would have made for a more interesting tale... ;)

Whoa, Haven't felt THAT in awhile...

Living in "Earthquake Country" is like living with an explosive blood clot in your head -- you're never really sure when it'll blow, but when it does, it'll either kill ya or make you stronger.

After living in California for so many years, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

But I'm not.

I've survived a few major earthquakes, jolts and tremors, but today's Chino Hills quake was the first time I was actually able to do something about protecting myself.

I remember the Whittier quake vividly because it happened while I was in the toilet. Believe me, that is the WORST place to be during a rolling jolt. Suffice it to say, going to the bathroom the next few days gave me a bit of anxiety.

During the Northridge quake, I was asleep and quite paralyzed by fear. I could feel the room shake like a giant baby's rattle, yet I couldn't move to duck and cover. I simply stared at the ceiling, awaiting whatever was going to happen. In the end, I got lucky - the only thing that broke in the whole house was a lamp that sat by my bedside. It lept over a bunch of toys and paper, only to crash and scatter all over the carpet.

Today I was awake and working at the computer when the "pre-shock-shock" sent my Spidey-Sense into overdrive. I know what it feels like when a big heavy truck drives by.

This was no truck.

I dove under the desk, my heart running faster than my brain. Staying calm was an easy montra to remember, but repeating it over and over and over again just to convince myself was an exercise in self-control.

And just like that, it was over. The news says there's been like 27 aftershocks, but I haven't felt them. I've become a quake snob -- if it's not over a 4.0, I don't give a shit.

Mom and Dad are all right, and I'm still here typing. And looks like LA is getting back to being it's usual crazy. Can't ask for much more than that... ;)

My Brush With The Dark Knight...

A few months ago, I had gone to China on vacation in Yunnan (see archives for the pics if you want to check that out), and after the tour we also made a stop in Hong Kong. Guess who was in town at the same time as me?

I couldn't have planned it better. Here's a pic from the local
news: Mr. Shawshank Redemption and Mr. Memento
in the flesh.

They were in town for a few days, so I thought - what the heck? Shouldn't pass this up!

Most of the interiors and night shoots were in a part of Hong Kong called Lan Kwai Fong, a tourist area filled with ex-pat bars, dance clubs and a portion of the business district. A real "Word Hard, Play Hard" kind of area.

Here was the name the production was under during
the shoot.

From what I can piece together, this was the hotel
that the stuntman jumps from in the movie. Interiors for
the crimeboss capture were also shot here as well, but
don't quote me on that.

Here's me with the other onlookers trying to get a glimpse
at the production. Since this night was mostly for interiors,
the only person we got to see was Nolan.

This was taken minutes before director Chris Nolan
stepped out of the black Mercedes. I still regret not
having a telescopic lense that night to get the shot.
By the time I recognized him, he was already inside the
lobby.

The white van carried a bunch of the crew that was
working on set.

Security was pretty tight-lipped, considering that they were
trying to keep this thing a secret in one of the biggest little cities
in the world. The crowd was roudy, but polite -- which is
not typical of Hong Kongers at all...

I don't know if it's in the movie or not, but the news said
that Morgan Freeman also shot a dialogue scene here,
on the longest escalator in the world. Eh, I guess they
figured that if they made it this far, might as well
feature this thing too.

NOTE: This escaltor was also featured in the film
Chunking Express by Wong Kar Wai. It's used in the plot,
and I won't give it away here.

And just like that, after a few days, they were gone.
I still didn't get to see Bale or Freeman, but hey, it was all
fun.

The Dark Knight opens nationwide tomorrow.

Okay Warners, I've plugged the film. Where's my money?... ;)