What's That In The Kids' Meal?...

Some people smoke. Some like to drink themselves blind.

I, enjoy fast food.

Yeah, it's crack for fat people.

While waiting for my heavily sodiumized To-Go order to be brought out, I noticed the toy display for the kids' meals had something that really caught my eye. Now, I'm no expert, so I'll just let you take a look for yourselves:


So, here's my question: Is that, or is that not, a toy bear with a "butt-plug"?

It's a stretch, I know, but that's just how my thoughts roll.

B.K., I'll be watching you... ;)

Easter Sunday: Birthday Song and Expletives...

**Before I get into the Jury blogs, just wanted to share this little story that I saw unfold for Easter.**

I was out having dinner at this restaurant for Easter Sunday, when across from me sat a table with a family of 6 - Mother, Father, and their 4 kids - two young daughters, two young sons (range about 4-7 years old). One of the little boys tells their nice waitress that "it's my brother's birthday."

I can feel the waitress' eyes secretly roll as she knows what she now has to do. Like a seasoned platoon leader, she stealthily gives hand signals to the other waitstaff, letting them no to get their best "fake on" for the birthday song they need to sing for the BILLIONTH time this shift.

Of course, in typical cluster-fucked fashion, the first time the waitress gathers the crew and the free dessert (Mud Pie for this occasion), the birthday boy is nowhere to be found. The waitress has the "I swear he was here a minute ago" look on her tired face. The mother plays the apologetic card. "I'm sorry, he ran off with his brother a minute ago. They'll be right back, " she says. The waitstaff scatter back to their respective tables, and the waitress tosses the dessert somewhere.

The birthday boy and his little brother appear a few minutes later. Unfortunately, the waitress can't seem to remember where she put the dessert, and the rest of the crew are still waiting their tables. By the time she finds the Mud Pie and gets everyone from their sections, the kid is gone again. The mother goes ,"I'm so sorry, his father took him to the bathroom. He'll be right back." This is when I overhear a waiter mutter, "Christ, where the FUCK is this kid"!! Though a collective groan didn't occur, you could still feel it wafting in the air.

This is clearly getting out of hand. I watch the waitstaff eyeing the family, waiting for the little boy's return so they can get this show on the freakin' road.

When the kid FINALLY sits down, the waitstaff ambush him like a pack of hungry Hyenas. Waiters are actually taking off in mid-order from their tables to sing to the little boy. The waitress makes direct eye contact with the mother, as if to say "For the love of God lady, could you have made this ANY harder"?

The waitstaff sing with the the biggest shit eating grins I've ever seen! Not only that, but they are singing the Birthday song at 5x times the usual speed so it sounds like Alvin and Chipmunks -- kinda like ripping-a-band-aid-off-real-quick kind of mentality. I don't think the parents could tell -- they were too mesmerized by their kids clapping along with the waitstaff, and happy kids are a good distraction. As the song ends, the family digs into their now half-melted Mud Pie. The crew scatters back to their respective sections. Anger at having to go through with this ritual has subsided, even by the waiter who swore under his breath.

You'd think all this song and dance would be worth the effort, but funny thing was, the birthday boy himself didn't really seem to care! Looked like his family was getting most of the joy out of it completely. I think he was just happy to be having chocolate cake and ice cream.

It appeared that this wasn't going to be the only birthday party that night. I could see the crew saving their strength and keeping their palms relaxed -- no telling when the next clapping-birthday-sing-a-long was gonna pop up next... ;)

Tales from the Counter: A Little Girl's Dream...

I had to get to work early today for a project that's due, so to treat myself for waking up so darn early, I stopped by this local greasy spoon on the way.

While sitting at the counter, a young girl and her mother were enjoying their breakfasts of eggs and oatmeal, when all of a sudden the little girl said, "Mommy, I had this dream last night!"

The mother looked with somewhat feigned interest - the way mother's do when they've heard every crazy thing ever uttered from their child. But not wanting to disappoint, she replied, "Really? What was it about?"

The little girl lit up. "I was dreaming that I was inside a BIG TOASTER!"

"What were you doing inside a BIG TOASTER?," the mother asked.

"I dunno, but then, I POPPED out and I was all BURNT - like toast!"

The little girl laughed the way only a child can, and her mother simply sighed, but looked to her daughter with loving eyes.

And I, to be so lucky, to catch this exchange before my morning cup of coffee.

Seriously, I can't make this stuff up... ;)

A Victim of Semantics: Restaurant Jargon...

I was out with some friends last night, when I asked the waiter for a "side of onion rings" with my burger.

When the food arrived, I was expecting my burger to come with a basket of fresh, crispy, golden-friend onion rings. Instead, the waiter plopped down my food - with a side of RAW onions.

I said, "Excuse me, I had asked for a side of onion rings."

The waiter realized his mistake. "I'm sorry sir, I thought I heard you say just onions. Let me go and get you that side right away."

A few minutes later, as I'm digging into my burger, the waiter puts down a new basket - I smile until I look down and see only TWO fresh, crispy, golden-friend onion rings staring back at me.

TWO!

They sat there in the basket in all their negative-space glory, just utterly pitiful. Apparently, the waiter still didn't get that I wanted a basket.

My mouth was full so I couldn't call him back. My friends couldn't believe what was happening so all they could do was laugh hysterically at my expense.

I finally call the waiter back and explain to him that, "I'd like an ORDER of onion rings, please. NOT just rings for my burger.

"Oh! You wanted a SIDE ORDER of onion rings!"

"Yep, that's right."

"Man, you're being SOOO difficult," he said in his most sarcastic tone, and ran off to fetch me my fat-drenched, not-very-healthy-for-you SIDE ORDER!

By the time my SIDE ORDER of ONION RINGS came, my friends were fargone from laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation. I had to laugh a bit too, for if I knew I had to be that specific, I would've written down my order and handed it to our waiter.

Oh, and here's the kicker - the waiter still charged me 99 cents for the TWO onion rings that came before, on top of everything else. What the heck!

But to still have a way to blog about this little food-fiasco? Absolutely priceless... ;)