Fair Grounds...

Pick apart the Summer sun,
pouring out its happiness
To drink the fun in tea-leaf cups,
a return to corduroy innocence

Of fair-weather skies enriched in white,
the clouds no shelter from thy eyes
A minute more to embrace forthright,
the warm cheek's kiss to say goodbye

Up greener hills of untrodden paths
where journeys lay in silent sleep
It's there you'll see me surely have
A spritely skip, and promises to keep...

Screw Hybrids...

Wouldn't it be great if
cars didn't run on
gas
ethanol
grease
or
electricity
but on
Irony?

Of course,
the moment you want
to make that sardonic
remark just
won't happen
when you
turn
the
ignition...

Shopping List of Amorousness...

If you could be so kind
- pretty, pretty please -
Can you stop off at the
store and grab:

A bottle of Summer Kisses
Couple cans of Kinky Tickles
3 bars of Caressing Napes
2 lbs. of Rosemary Hickies
A sprig of Magic Mischief
and a dozen Saffron Whispers?

Oh, if they have Strawberry Buss
on sale, grab a few - if not,
I'll just make do...

Technically, I Supported Him...

Dad: Why is this printer not printing?

Me: Just give me a sec, I'll be right there.

Dad: Come on, print!

Me: Hold on, I just need to type this message out.

Dad: Will you get your butt over here! I don't know what the flashing lights mean.

Me: Hang on, almost there.

Dad: The paper in the tray is full -- could it be a jam?

Me: Let me take a look at it.

Dad: Get over here! Why is it -- oh wait, there it goes.

Me: Glad I could help.

-- ;)

It'd Be Cuter If My Father Was A 5-Month-Old Baby...

Morning commutes with my father riding shotgun are seldom boring.

As per the rules of the carpool, the driver is in control of the "Audio Entertainment". My father LOVES to mock this rule.

I flick in a James Blunt CD, and crank up the song "You're Beautiful" because I felt the morning needed that dose of "Rom-Com mood" to get us that much closer to the office.

Then my father decided the morning needed more "humor."

Every time James sings the chorus lines "You're beautiful," my father makes a fart noise with his tongue.

So the chorus flowed like this:

You're Beautiful (thwpppppp!)
You're Beautiful (thwpppppp!)
You're Beautiful, it's true... (THWPPPPPP!)

I saw her face (thwpppppp!), in a crowded place (thwpppppp!)...

I think you get the idea.

I wasn't really mad; just, bemused by this turn of events. I guess you can say he's just not really into "silent protest."

But hey, fart noises or not, I'm more sure than ever that I really am his offspring... ;)

P.S. If anyone wants me to demonstrate my father's impression of the song on YouTube, let me know -- I just might be crazy enough to do it for ya'll... ;)

Random Haiku #79...

Spider climbs out of
bathtub, no webbing in sight --
"Charlotte" would be proud...

Formula for a Successful Mother's Day...

Wheat pasta
with chicken/turkey sausage
and shrimp in a
pesto-reduction sauce

+

Freshly baked
chocolate chip cookie and
vanilla ice cream sandwiches

=

Mother smiling, Mission Accomplished... ;)

Passages of a Saturday #1...

The light bleeds through the blinds, slicing the darkness of my room into ribbons.

I hear the faint sound of the TV jabbering away. Looks like I forgot to turn it off again before I went comatose.

It's still early, I could probably do some crunches to work off the Hawaiian BBQ feast I've been indulging in all week. I think some of it is still left in the fridge. If the vultures haven't gotten to it.

But I think I'll watch this week's episode of "Lost" on my DVR first.

It's not like my gut is going anywhere...

Random Haiku #78...

Mardi Gras beads swing
on a rear-view mirror, a
party vibe close by...

Random Haiku #77...

Cute girl with red purse
waits by a doorstep, checks her
lipstick one last time...

Firework Shows Are Awesome - Just, Not In My Toaster Oven...

Hey yo! What up, my babies!

It's been a while since I've actually written a real blog -- and yes, I know, the times I'm whoring myself for my other endeavors don't count -- uh-huh, I know the score...

Well, in 6 hours time, I'll be off to Vegas to indulge in Bachelor party shenanigans that may or may not involve hookers and blow. But don't worry, I promise to behave myself - for the first hour.

Okay, back to the story of how I almost burned the house down a week and a half ago:

It was a typical morning: birds chirping obnoxiously, the sky so blue just because High Wind Advisories where on the day's menu, and as always, I'm 20 minutes late for work.

In an effort to streamline my wicked tardiness, I decided to throw some bread in the toaster oven to toast WHILE I got my act together. I am a responsible slacker, after all.

I usually don't vulture around my toaster oven, but on that morning, I was able to get myself made up in time to loiter around the kitchen.

I reached into the fridge and grabbed a yogurt - you know, the kind they sell that help you poop? Just as an aside -- that stuff may be teeming with cultures and good bacteria, but it really is delicious.

Okay, as I was eating my yogurt, I noticed that my toaster oven was lighting up like the 4th of July. I thought "Funny, I don't think there's a light bulb in the toaster oven, is there?"

Then WHAM! Sparks are flying into my toast like Kamikaze planes crashing into the wheat-tastic surface of my breakfast. Smoke was building up fast, as a laser light show was going on behind the glass of the oven.

I snatched the plug out of the socket with over-Herculean strength, almost ripping the electrical plate out of the wall. The smoke cleared a bit. I slapped on a pair of oven mits and approached the oven as if I was about to pet a Rottweiler.

Nudging the door open slowly, the last of the smoke escapes, and the heating rods on the top are still glowing fire-engine red. My toast looks all right, but I toss it out anyway -- better to be safe than sorry. The last thing I need is metal shards swimming in my guts, waiting to tear a whole in my tract at any moment. Yes, I really am that paranoid.

Besides a little smoke inhalation and frayed nerves, I came out of the whole thing none the worse for wear. But man, that was some scary shit.

And so ends the saga of how I almost set the house on fire. Of course, there are those of you probably crying "Pure Bullshit!", so here's the pics to prove it:

The toaster, in its most natural state. You can still see
the smoke stains if you look at the glass close up.


See the rod to the right? Something caused the metal
to melt all the way down to the core, which caused the
initial sparks and the final voltage overload.

Of course, our warranty has long since expired, so we're not even gonna fight it.

EPILOGUE:

About 4 days later, we bought a new toaster oven:

Pretty spiffy, huh?

The box it came in says that it's able to roast, broil, re-heat, crisp, and of course bake.

But so far, the Toast function has been the most utilized setting. And it's doing a fine job - not burning the house down... ;)

Hey, Spread The Word - Taste The Laughter This Weekend...

Anywho, no new sketches from Unmentionables this week - but they are having some live shows, isn't that supernova-tastic!!!

Here's the new promo I cut for them. And if you know anyone in the Los Angeles area that could really use a laugh, point them towards North Hollywood - the sound of thunderously infectious laughter is hard to miss...







And here's the pertinent info again:

April 25 & 26, 8 & 10 PM
Produced in Association with
Actors Workout Studio
4735 Lankershim Blvd.
N. Hollywood, CA 91602

Pre-Show Drinks & Chit Chat:
1.5 hours before curtain time

www.UnmentionablesComedy.com
www.ActorsWorkoutStudio.com

For Tickets Online:
www.TheaterMania.com
(Search for "Unmentionables")

Need Something To Do For 5 Minutes?...

It's another Wednesday, and boy am I beat! Unmentionables is getting ready to do another show, which means that new sketches are on their way, which means that I will be BUSY!!!!

But hey, anything to help the worthy cause of universal laughter. Yeah, I can hear my pocketbook cringing at my pro bono fulfillment...

This week:

"Are You A Racist"









And "Rudy Ruiz"









And if you can stop by, here's the postcard for this months live shows:

A Case of the Friday Funnies!...

Hey ya'll! Due to computer woes that have been pulling my digital hairs out, my delivery of this week's Unmentionables sketches were a little late -- but hey, better late than REALLY late, right?

So on this week's menu:

"D.H.A"







and "Trophy Wife"

48 Hours Since Whenever...

Fighting viruses with my fingertips
flying on the keyboard --
attacking nano-miscreants at the
code level,
yet only coming out with the
best case scenario:
a recurring case of digital Herpes

At Least Michael Scott Would Understand...

Perhaps it'd just be easier if I had "SmartAss" tattooed on my forehead. Of course, it'd probably get in the way of the "Ladies Man" one that adorns my temple...

Flashback 5 hours ago:

As I was running out of the office, my father stops me and yells for me to push a cart back into the warehouse. "Don't waste time. Get it out right away" he bellows.

To which I fire back, "Yeah, that's what SHE said."

So, if my father hears me but doesn't understand, did a snide remark I make?... ;)

Whoa, Two Blogs in the Same Day? No Way!!!...

Hey ya'll -- you didn't think I'd forget, did you?

Wednesday is Unmentionables Day!!!! Of course, you can also check out their entire repertoire that's up on YouTube on my embedded player on my Profile page.

Here's the latest sketches of the week:

"Big Girls Don't Cry"









And "State of Emergency"

Random Haiku #76...

Tried expired toothpaste -
it's not harmful, but the mint's
divorced the fluoride...

Not Even Lint Off A Sweater...

Gone without a trace,
absolution train has left
the station for good...


***I may be a little sad this week, but I'm not gonna let that keep me down. I'm taking back the reigns - slowly... ***

And Now, For Your Wednesday Viewing Pleausure...

It's Wednesday ya'll! Time to get your laugh on, brought to you by Unmentionables!

First up, "This Week In Jersey":









And "What-If: Reservoir Dogs":