In Need Of A Clone...

Yes, I'm lame -- I will get to the Shanghai stuff soon. I'm still sifting through some of the shots, so I don't want to slam the entire raw feed onto you folks. And yes, maybe I should upload my YouTube stuff while I sleep and let the computer do some of the work -- that would be the most sane thing to do.

Why do I need a clone? 'Cause work this week is kicking my ass. Let's just say that sometimes clients don't always believe you're closing up shop until you REALLY close up shop.

Boxes are being made and packed, old garbage is being tossed out, and still, someone wants to send something to Venezuela. Go figure.

The lights seem brighter in the office as the bare walls reflect more of it everywhere. So much negative space, where once it was filled with airline fuel rate charts and maps of the world, post-its slammed all across the bulletin board that no longer holds anything of value.

Even emptying out my desk is starting to turn into a very zen ritual. My desktop (my desk, not my computer) on the other hand, that's a different story. It probably won't go until the very, very last day.

That's it for now -- I should have no more excuses left by next week.

End of update... ;)

Technically, I Supported Him...

Dad: Why is this printer not printing?

Me: Just give me a sec, I'll be right there.

Dad: Come on, print!

Me: Hold on, I just need to type this message out.

Dad: Will you get your butt over here! I don't know what the flashing lights mean.

Me: Hang on, almost there.

Dad: The paper in the tray is full -- could it be a jam?

Me: Let me take a look at it.

Dad: Get over here! Why is it -- oh wait, there it goes.

Me: Glad I could help.

-- ;)

The Door Should Have Had A Warning Sign...

All day, I've been thinking to myself, "If I had just waited a few more minutes..."

Flashback 7 hours ago:

I drink quite a bit of fluids throughout the workday to keep myself super-hydrated - whether it be water, tea, watered-down tea, you name it. And of course, the call of nature screams right into my ear when I least need it to. But do I change my habits? Not really. Besides, heading to the restroom at work is a God-given right and an excuse to take a non-break in the middle of a busy day.

I have only myself to blame...

So I head to the men's room and before I know it - BAM!!!! KA-POW!!!!

I've been slammed in the face by a smell so foul that I feel like I just ran face first into Chuck Liddell's fist. My head whiplashes, as the wave of odor shoots right past my nostrils and into my cerebellum. Truly, I could almost see stars and everything.

Okay, I bet you think it's because the smell was from someone's leftover "business", right?

No, this was something far worse.

This was the smell of air freshener GONE BANANAS.

It felt as if someone blew up an entire potpourri factory made up of rotten flowers in the stall -- in fact, I think the smell of someone's "business" would have been better than the effervescent perfume that was invading every part of my senses.

But I had no choice. I had a mission to accomplish and I was just gonna have to suck it up, convulsions and all.

With eyes watering and nose melting off, I did what needed to be done, and shot out of there as if I was on fire.

Breathing through my mouth for several minutes, I was able to gain back my composure and take back my body from anaphylactic shock. EMTs would not be needed this day.

"If I had just waited a few more minutes..."

But the mystery remains: was the air freshener working alone, or was it a "hybrid" stink of some sorts? Really, I'm in no hurry to solve this case, 'cause I'm sure I probably don't want to know anyway... ;)

You Never Want To Start A Message With These 7 Words...

I wouldn't say I get a lot of subliminally mean messages at the 'ol sweatshop - er, I mean, office - but today's was a bit crueler than usual because it is of one of those messages I affectionately refer to quite simply as, a "Could You Kindly Fix This With A Side Of F--k You".

And how, you might ask, did I know I was heading toward the slippery-slope?

The message started with these 7 words: "I hope all is well with you."

Seriously, no good news EVER starts with this.

I could be over-reacting, but it just seems to me the most forboding way to start any business message. Would I prefer it to start with "Please prepare your anus to be ripped to shreds"? Maybe not, but at least it's more truthful than the passive-aggressive nature of trying to seem civilized.

Basically, the message started out like this:

Please should you be so kind to inform Co.X on the modification of the paperwork to the amount of US$200.00 instead of the wrong value declared of US$600.00.

Okay, so I put the wrong value on the forms, but seriously, did they have to put it all in BOLD?

The message goes on to chastise my so-called negligence of not knowing that the item materials had changed value -- you know, since I wasn't told there was a change in the first place, I guess it really is "my bad."

I am doled the role of scapegoat today, and of course, the person generating the correction comes out looking like the hero because they were able to catch this "most heinous, and grievous error" before any lasting damage was done. The world is safe once more, for properly filled out forms.

So, all is well with me?

Yeah - just as soon as I fix this mess...;)

o.g.1/31/08

Some Days I'd Rather Have The Office Be Boring...

Some mornings, you just don't really see the day coming at you.

Right before breakfast I got the call.

Our office was flooded last night.

I arrived at the scene to discover half the warehouse was covered in an inch of water, and seeped all the way into the operations center. I immediately ordered stuff to be taken off the ground and water to be mopped up as best as possible.

Then someone came up with the idea of using one of those Wet/Dry Vacs from Home Depot, and man, let me tell you -- if you've got minor flooding happening to you, this thing really does do a great job of sucking water up (Home Depot, I'll be glad to do a testimonial).

While someone cleaned the aisles, I focused on getting all the electrical stuff up off the ground, and in hindsight, perhaps I should have been more careful - I mean, I was surrounded by water, live electrical outlets, and not to mention wet carpeting. But I figured that if the waterline wasn't too far above the outlets, risk of death by electrocution would be minimal.

So I went for it, and only shit my pants afterword. (NOTE: If you find yourself in the same situation, for the love of God, turn off the power. Don't be a lucky idiot like me).

After that, the day was a whole lot of chaos, catching up, and dampness EVERYWHERE. Some of the computers were still in really wet areas, so we kept those offline. It made for really cramped quarters, as four of us were each sharing two computers that there unaffected by the flood. I don't care where you work at -- if you try and work at someone else's desk, it's one of the most disorienting things in the world. 5 Minutes in, and I was begging for my usual "Mise-en-Desk".

Several hours later, the flood has stopped, I'm here banging this away on a colleague's computer, and glad to see water evaporating off the warehouse floor. I guess the hot weather has served a purpose after all.

I come to the stark conclusion that sometimes in life, you just have to be shit on. It was just our turn.

But I'm just glad that not every day is like today... ;)

Does It Look Like I Can Spare You 48 Hours?...

Spam sucks. Corporate Spam sucks the most because it completely bogs down your mail server.

I got one awhile back that read:

Personal Productivity and Time Management Seminar!

Do you feel like you waste time during the day and could be more efficient?
Do you want to be more organized?
Do you want to get more things done on your "to do list"?

Then join us for our 2-day Seminar!

To which I thought - ARE THEY KIDDING ME! I barely had time to read that stupid spam! If I could show up to this so-called "Time Management Personal Power Plan," then I wouldn't need the seminar, now would I!!!!!

Hey, if I enjoy wasting my time on blogging, that's my business.

That's how I roll... ;)

Conversations in Air Freight: How Can We Help You?...

The following is another true-to-life conversation I had with an automated voice system for a courier company I was trying to send a package with, and later, how I got to speak with a real life person:

RING!!!

Welcome to Ship-Stuff Express... How can we help you?... For rates, say "rates".

Rates.

Okay, one moment please... Please say the number in pounds of the weight of your package?

30.

...What is the 5-digit zip code that you are sending the package from?

90045.

What is the 5-digit zip code of the destination you are sending the package to? If not in the U.S., say "International Shipment".

International shipment.

Thank you. Please say the name of the country you are sending the package to.

Trinidad.

I heard you say "Canada". Is this correct? If not, say "Go Back".

Go back.

Please say the name of the country you are sending the package to.

Trinidad.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Could you please repeat the name of the country in which you'd like to send your package?

Trinidad!

I heard you say "Thailand". Is this correct? If not, say "Go Back".

Go back!

Please say the name of the country you are sending the package to.

Trinidad!!!

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that... If you'd like to speak with a Representative, please press "zero".

BEEP! (Me pressing zero)

Minutes later, a Representative comes on the line:

Hello, this is Ship-Stuff Express, how may I help you?

Yes, I'd like the rate for a package I'm sending here in North America to Trinidad.

Okay, I can help you with that sir. What is weight of your package?

30 lbs.

And the zip code of where this package is starting from?

90045.

And what city in "Israel" is this package going to?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

CLICK!

Conversations in Air Freight: Why Do You Need to Know That?

The following is a real customer call I took. Only some of the names and parties have been changed to protect their stupidity.

RING!!!

Hello?

Yes, I'm with Company X.

Okay. What can I do for you?

(pause)
Yeah, I guess I'd like to... schedule a pickup?

Not a problem. I can send a driver out to you. What are we picking up?

Um... some boxes?

All right. Where are they going?

(pause)
Excuse me?

Where would you like us to send the materials?

Ummm...

Do you know what country they're going?

(pause, faint sound of head scratching)
Why do you need to know that?

So... I know WHERE I'm supposed to send the boxes.

Can't you just pick them up first?

Yes, I could do that. But if I know where the boxes are going, then I can figure out if there's a flight for them today - if not, I don't have to rush my guy out to you and we can just pick them up tomorrow.

But... I'm just calling you guys to pick the boxes up.

I understand that. But my driver is spread out a bit thin today, and if he doesn't have to make an extra stop, that's all the better.

So, you aren't gonna pick my boxes up?

Again, I'm not saying that. It'd just be helpful to know the destination so we can determine the logistics and start on the paperwork. It's gonna take time to process, and the more information we have, the better we can help you out.

Man, why are you being so difficult!

Sir, honestly, I'm not trying to give you a hard time --

It sure feels like it! I was just told to give you guys a call to pick up some boxes!

Okay. Is there anyone there that knows where the boxes are supposed to be sent?

Ummm...

Anyone at all?

Uh...

If you don't know, just tell me.

Ummm...

Hello? Are you still there?

I'm gonna... have to call you back.

CLICK.

Argh.

Conversations in Air Freight: If You'll Just Let Me Explain...

The following is a real customer call I had a few months back. Only some of the names and parties have been changed to protect their stupidity.

RING!!!

Hello?

Hi, this is Albert. I'm the one working on your cargo shipment.

Yes?

I just wanted to let you know that there's a slight problem with your shipping method.

What about it?

You see, Courier X --

What's wrong with using Courier X?

Oh, nothing, it's just that --

Well, then that's the method I want to use.

But you see, I'm calling because I wanted to let you know Courier X--

If you're going to convince me to use something else, I'm not going to.

If you'll just let me explain --

My client has requested this carrier, and unless Courier X closes down tomorrow, we would like you to expedite --

All right, I understand, but let me just say that you marked down Courier X in the request, and we will expedite with this carrier.

So what is it then?

You had marked down Courier X Ground Service. To Ecuador.

I see.

*And since there is no interstate highway route that connects to South America, I am going to change your request to show Air Express so that it can travel there by plane. Which fly high up in the sky. And don't require roads.

So I thought I'd just give you a heads up, and I'll be able to get that shipment out this afternoon.

That's fine. Thank you.

No problem.

CLICK.

*Yeah, that's what I really wanted to say, but hey, I didn't feel like getting fired that day... ;)

My Father is a Monkey...

My father is many things - A good husband, a provider of sorts, and a great listener.

What he is not - is mechanically inclined.

Weeks ago, I found him banging away on a copy machine like those monkeys in "2001: A Space Odyssey" when they encounter the Monolith. That's my father's old school solution to machines that aren't working. I think he still believes he can invoke the powers of "The Fonz" from time to time - a nudge here, a perfectly timed rapt, and voila! Machine woes solved!

But on that day, he was banging on the copy machine like it was a game of SIMON. I could either let him beat the crap out out of the machine and enjoy some low-cost entertainment, or I could be a good son and see what was the problem.

While checking out what was wrong, I saw that the giant GREEN BUTTON that you push to start the copier was stuck. Busting out my "Macgyver" trade craft, I took a paperclip and shimmied the button free.

PLICK! The button pops back up, and all is back to normal in Copier Land!

As I walk away, I notice my father studying the button like a Level 7 Soduko puzzle. But in this case, I think the button... was studying him.