Under The Influence...(senryu)

Too much alcohol
lead me to sing "Uptown Girl" --
Billy would be pleased...

Platonic...

There are worse things in
the world than to be called,
"Just Friends"

But being "platonic" is
like a runner-up prize -
a toaster you don't want

When a kiss to the cheek
is merely a fancy,
accustomed salutation

Caressing their arm
gives you tingles, but
to them, static shock

While secretly pining
for more, we dig deeper
into our grave "made for one" --

Not realizing that a little
bit of something, is better
than nothing at all...

o.g. 2/21/07

I'm Pretty Sure...

I'm pretty sure
I'll never understand
a woman's desire
for Jimmy Choos

I'm pretty sure
I'll never understand
why women travel in
packs to the restroom

I'm pretty sure
I'll win an argument
with a woman only
when she wants me to

But most all --

I'm pretty sure,
that you'll still love
me with all the things
I put YOU through...

o.g. 2/14/07

Ode to Frost-ed Paths...

Through a street of
cobblestones unset with
cement still drying,
I walk with you
by my side, strolling along
this road not taken,
but somehow, strangely familiar --
fear walks with us, though I
am glad that it only follows
way in the back,
several steps behind...

o.g. 2/18/07

2007 Emmys: My Strange Highlights Of Last Night...

As some of you may or may not know, I sometimes attend the Emmy Awards.

Highlights in my mental scrapbook:

1. I accidentally walked right into Robert Duvall -- twice. "Excuse me," he'd say, as I apologized profusely. That man is a true gentleman -- to put up with my curse of clumsiness.

2. While finding an empty spot during a commercial break, Ron Jeremy sat behind me. I thought about introducing myself, but then I'd have to shake his hand, and sadly, I KNOW where it's been.

3. Watching Tony Bennett perform live -- on the award show and then at the Governor's Ball. That was a real treat.

4. Running into Jerry Ferrara (Turtle, from Entourage) at the Men's restroom. Hey, even stars have to tinkle sometime. But you don't always believe it until you see it for yourself.

5. And finally, trailing behind Chandra Wilson (Grey's Anatomy) while exiting out of the Shrine Auditorium. While she took some photos with a few crazy-obsessed fans, I was behind her in the photos -- it looked like I was part of her entourage. It made me feel "special".

Well, I think that's enough name-dropping. Thanks for allowing me to indulge my inner "Hollywood douchebag".

Back to regularly scheduled programming in a bit... ;)

o.g. 9/16/07

Open-Mike Night On Checkout #6...

I was at the Supermarket the other evening (God, why do all the funniest things happen when I go shopping, but I digress) and this Scruffy old man was right in front of us.

Needless to say, he took forever to pay the cashier, but he did something that was totally worth the wait.

"Gather 'round!," he shouted. "I'm gonna tell you all a joke, and I'm sorry if you've heard this one, but I guarantee that this is funny!"

The people around the checkout lines, the store manager and the bag boy and girl all stared at him, myself included. He raises his arms as if Moses on the mountaintop, and goes:

"What did Paris Hilton's Right Knee say to the Left Knee?"

We're all silent, waiting with anticipation.

"Nothing -- they've never met!"

A collective groan and muffled laughter erupts all over the checkout lines. Mothers with young children where aghast. I wouldn't blame them.

It was pretty damn dirty, and pretty damn funny, and God, it hits you right in the forehead.

Of course, proper decorum must be restored, so the manager came by and told the old man to keep it down, and the old man obliged.

But he knew he killed, and that's all that mattered.

After taking another hella-forever to pay for his items, he smiled at the checkout girl and said, "I'll be back later."

And may fortune bless me with another run-in with this "Supermarket Comic"... ;)

o.g. 091107

9/11: The Moment I Knew This Was For Real... (haiku)

Airplanes were grounded,
not a turbine to be heard.
Silence, said it all.


***Now that I'm back living near LAX, it is such reassurances of this kind of noise pollution that I gladly look forward to, than having the alternative. This is where my thoughts are, on this day***

Evaporating Slowly... (senryu)

Damp, office carpet,
like an indoor Everglades --
it still smells like poo...


***Dear friends, I hope to get back to my usual writing self when this latest conundrum subsides... ;)***

Some Days I'd Rather Have The Office Be Boring...

Some mornings, you just don't really see the day coming at you.

Right before breakfast I got the call.

Our office was flooded last night.

I arrived at the scene to discover half the warehouse was covered in an inch of water, and seeped all the way into the operations center. I immediately ordered stuff to be taken off the ground and water to be mopped up as best as possible.

Then someone came up with the idea of using one of those Wet/Dry Vacs from Home Depot, and man, let me tell you -- if you've got minor flooding happening to you, this thing really does do a great job of sucking water up (Home Depot, I'll be glad to do a testimonial).

While someone cleaned the aisles, I focused on getting all the electrical stuff up off the ground, and in hindsight, perhaps I should have been more careful - I mean, I was surrounded by water, live electrical outlets, and not to mention wet carpeting. But I figured that if the waterline wasn't too far above the outlets, risk of death by electrocution would be minimal.

So I went for it, and only shit my pants afterword. (NOTE: If you find yourself in the same situation, for the love of God, turn off the power. Don't be a lucky idiot like me).

After that, the day was a whole lot of chaos, catching up, and dampness EVERYWHERE. Some of the computers were still in really wet areas, so we kept those offline. It made for really cramped quarters, as four of us were each sharing two computers that there unaffected by the flood. I don't care where you work at -- if you try and work at someone else's desk, it's one of the most disorienting things in the world. 5 Minutes in, and I was begging for my usual "Mise-en-Desk".

Several hours later, the flood has stopped, I'm here banging this away on a colleague's computer, and glad to see water evaporating off the warehouse floor. I guess the hot weather has served a purpose after all.

I come to the stark conclusion that sometimes in life, you just have to be shit on. It was just our turn.

But I'm just glad that not every day is like today... ;)

Trust Me, Baby...

I want to take along:
A GPS Device
A map of the countryside
A spare compass

But you insist we only need:
Directions scribbled on a cocktail napkin

"Baby, what if we get lost?" I ask.

"Then we'll be lost -- together. Trust me, baby."

"Okay..."

6 Weird Things About Me - All In Senryu!...

I enjoy coffee
stale, if it is poured from a
big, yellow carafe

I like the pain in
my feet because it reminds
me I'm still alive

I once beat a bunch
of Trekkies at Star Trek
Trivial Pursuit - yeah!

I like orange juice
with pulp in the Spring, and no
pulp in the Summer

I prefer to watch
independent films alone --
it's for my "me time"

I once tried to start
a Crowded House tribute band --
but the dream WAS over... ;)

***That's all folks. Thanks to Dan for the tag, and hey, if you've got weirdness to share, go right ahead***

Humidity Cure... (senryu)

Lipton brewed iced tea,
sweet on a hot summer day -
caffeine-me away...

o.g. 2/20/07

Room with a View...

I recall when you
absolutely had to have
a room with a view
of the white-sands beach
with mango-colored sunsets

But instead, we wasted the
whole time there with
eyes closed, bodies closer,
and letting nature do its
chores without us...

Good times.

It's How He Uses The Web (senryu)...

Dad reads e-mail like
Kasparov plotting chess moves --
But Dad, that one's SPAM!...

Convoluted by the Stove...

Hey Mom. What are you doing sitting at the counter?

I'm waiting for the pot to boil.

Hehe. You know, a watched pot never boils.

What's that?

That expression, a watched pot never boils?

Oh, it's gonna boil.

Well, I know that.

Then what are you talking about?

That expression... you've never heard that?

Heard what?

Well, they say if you watch it, it's supposed to take forev--

Scoot over! Can't you see it's boiling over! Where are my oven mits? You were saying?

Some other time Mom. Some other time... ;)

It's Official: I'm Denser Than Mercury...

I stopped by the supermarket on the way to work this morning - and no, I wasn't slowed down in the checkout line this time - and as the female store clerk put my items into my plastic bags, she asked the strangest thing.

"Will you be needing any help carrying these items to your car today?" she asked.

Okay, I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. This question wouldn't normally be considered strange, but here's what I was buying:

-a bag of salad
-one rotisserie chicken

Yep, that's it. Pretty much less than 3 lbs.

"Um, yeah, I think I can manage," I reply.

"Well, you never know," she says, before walking over to another checkout line.

I walk out of the store, and then realize what happened -- she was flirting with me.

Dear God, what is wrong with my head?

In math terms, it'd look like:
Cute girl + nonsensical statement = SHE WAS INTERESTED!

Have I looked down the barrel of rejection for so long that I can't see an opening when it appears right before me?

I am seriously beside myself. I am denser than Mercury. Heck, I am denser than Dark Matter.
I need a CAT scan STAT!

If ya'll excuse me, I've got "Get a CLUE Idiot!" exercises to work on... ;)

Scratch'n (aintu)...

You are
the itch I scratch
but still eludes me, you
have planted your flag in my head --
as much as it pains me,
I will do your
bidding...

It's The Devil You Know, I Suppose...

So Mom, you're lucky to have me as your son, right?

I guess.

Gee, thanks Mom. I mean, who would you rather be: My Mom, or the Mother of Lindsay Lohan?

If you put it that way - your mom, of course.

Well, I feel better.

Besides... who the heck is Lindsay Lohan? Is she famous?

Oh, never mind...

Mystic Cherry (senryu)...

Washington Cherries,
cold juices flow from each bite --
one bowl, saved my life...

Exploring my "Field of Dreams"...

***NOTE: Thanks to Mel for the title idea. Rock on, Karrot!***

Her skin smelled like cinnamon, soft like fresh sheared wool.

With eyes closed, I felt the heat of her body pressed against me, a bonfire consuming me with its flames.

My face was buried deep in her hair. It tickled my cheeks a little -- I think I even cracked a smile.

I found my way out of that eden of brown locks and discovered her lips -- oh, they tasted so sweet, like cold, raspberry tea on a hot afternoon.

And I just kept drinking, and drinking, knowing I had to come up for air sometime.

I broke away slowly, opening my eyes.

And there she was...

...Sally Field.

And yes, just to clear up any confusion, it wasn't her when she was
"Gidget":

But rather her as she is now:

And most definitely wasn't when she was
"The Flying Nun":

Where are your heads at, people?

So there I was, looking right into her darling brown eyes, and before I could say anything, she took her hand and ran her fingers through my hair.

She didn't say a word.

Neither did I.

I was too stunned to realize this was all a dream, but damn if it didn't feel so good.

Our lips met again, and again, over and over, then...

Well, you get the picture. I think we might have even cuddled afterwards.

When I woke up, the funniest thing happened. I had left the TV on, and you know what the first thing I saw was?

A commercial for Boniva. And who's the Spokeswoman for it?

That's right, it was none other than:

She must have entered my subconscious via the airwaves. God knows how many of those commercials I might have been listening to throughout the night!

And yet, do I regret this happened?

I guess I might have preferred:

But hey, I could've done a lot worse than such a sweet gal like Sally... ;)